The clock read 1 a.m. as I stood, shaking with rage, in the middle of my living room. After countless hours at work, I had just come home exhausted, overwhelmed and miserable. And in six hours, I’d have to be up and do it again.
My editor at the time kept me at the newsroom to fix a story. And after hours of trying to understand what she wanted and being unsuccessful, I walked out.
Now that might not have been the moment, but that was A moment that stands out in my mind that I thought things needed to change.
As you know I was accepted into grad school. I am officially an MFA candidate at Goddard College for creative writing in fiction. This decision, as longtime readers of my blog and my previous blog know, was a long time coming.
But before I explain that let me explain the journey.
This blog has been about my path toward finding myself, my voice, that I lost so long ago. Before my dad died when I was 24, I felt it slipping away. I wrote less. I partied more. I became a sorority girl for crying out loud! But my father’s death sent me back light years.
My dad was the protector of my voice. I know that now. He keep me grounded and admired my writing. When he died so did I. So I hid myself in journalism. And although I’m a decent reporter, it’s only a part of who I am and not entirely me.
But who was I? That’s where the journey began — age 30, in a state of limbo, unhappy and crying in the middle of my living room at 1a.m.
That path was to find myself, through writing and literature. Now at nearly 32, I’ve learned more about myself in the past two years than I have in the first 30. Grad school is a continuation of that search. And frankly, it’s a dream come true.
We all know that grad school doesn’t guarantee publishing but what it does give me is tools, confidence, a change to grow in my writing, and therefore learn more about myself.
So excuse me while I whoop and holler about this milestone. My life is about to change for the better. I’m about to do something no other Fernandez has done ever, and about to become the person I knew I could be…if I ever met her.
Now, this will eventually be a separate blog because it has to be but I did want to add this interesting tidbit. My NKOTB obsession…
Well, not obsession, just my super, hot, older friends that make me so happy I can melt.
During the groups first turn with fame, I was around 12. Ironically that was the last time everything was good, when I felt I had so much hope, and joy, and promise. They reunited when I was 30, the year this journey started.
They came together when I didn’t even know I needed them. And every day through a tweet, a bubbletweet, whatever, they make me smile. They make me feel like ANYTHING is possible and that there still is promise in the world. They make me feel 12 again, except I can afford to go to concerts now. Ha!
So New Kids on The Block are part of my journey. We’re doing this together–me and them. We are gonna find out about each other and we’re gonna make each other happy.
And now that I’m in grad school they’ll go with me— giving me confidence in myself and abilities to do well.
The path now, folks it a less traveled one but it’s important. This is gonna be fun and I can’t wait to see where this leads me.
Wish me luck.