There’s something about being on the later side of your 30s that makes you re-evaluate every decision you’ve ever made. That’s when you think…

“What the heck am I doing?”

That’s when that sudden feeling that those plans you made in your 20s, when everything was bright and new and shiny, has, indeed, been just hopes, not really plans.

My birthday was last week. I’m now officially closer to 40 than 30 and am wondering what the heck am I doing with my life! What the heck did I do with the beginning of it? How did I get here?

I never had a quarter life crisis; I was too busy living and working to question my role in the universe or the direction my life was taking. There was a stubborn focus at 25 that I laugh at now, a little girl spinning her wheels with a map of Narnia in her pocket. But this was how most of my friends were at that age, career focused. That was until everyone started getting married. So, marriage was like that game of  musical chairs (Do kids still play that?) when we were growing up — everyone was so keen and quick to attach themselves to someone quick before the music ran out. I laughed at that. It’s not time yet, I’d say. I happily continued toward Narnia.

Then came the babies. Babies became the new marriage. Everyone had one. Some have several. Some had babies and houses. All of these precious moments in taunting unison on social media. Tick, tick, the music is about to stop and soon you’ll have nothing. It was still too early and Narnia beckoned.

So, now here we are and the music has ended. Usually this is the part of the blog post where there’s some sort of personal empowerment speech, some I’m happy being the fish-out-of-water moment. There’s none here, I’m afraid. While I don’t feel sorry or sad or even as if I wasted my Narina journey, I do feel that some of that journey was just busy work.

If 30 is the new 20 then 40 should be the new 30? I hope not. Forty should just be 40, wise and intelligent and in a position to laugh at the 20/30 year-olds with a twinkle and a glass of Riesling. I want there to be a sense of security at 40 that I thought I’d get at 30 and that the lessons from so much wheel spinning and work come to fruition. I’m looking forward to that.

Direction? What the heck is that? I’ve thrown my map to Narina away a long time ago and decided not to play that game of musical chairs. Not that that decision hasn’t come with some heart break but it’s come with more wisdom than pain.

Humans yearn to live the life worth living, what ever they think that is. However, that is the question they’ll spend a lifetime answering is what exactly that will look like. At this point, dear readers, I can’t tell you what it looks like but I can tell you what it doesn’t and for now that’s good enough.

Meanwhile, there’s this wardrobe I need to go sort out….