Something dropped in my inbox this week, an unexpected summons that there was a new blog post of a blog I had subscribed to.
This blog was actually part of a former life of mine. I had once blogged at this site as part of my duties. I had forgotten I was still subscribed when the alert came in. I looked to see who wrote it, rolled my eyes, and proceeded to unfollow the blog.
I know what you’re thinking, Reader. Icess, you are throwing shade. No. I’m using this story to illustrate my point. The eye roll wasn’t one of disgust but of triumph. I don’t have to ask permission anymore.
I make no secret of the fact that 2015 came with a difficult decision for me — to live or not to live. I chose life but not the one I was living and thankfully not in the presence of the people who, with the most delight I have ever seen from a human being, conspired to put me in the lowest place one can be.
I. Don’t. Have. To. Ask. For. Their. Permission. I don’t have to ask if things are okay or vie for people’s good opinions. I don’t have to try to appease or walk on egg shells anymore. I give as much cares as the amount of water I can cradle in my hands.
And it feels fantastic!
When I stopped asking for permission a couple of things happened.
I felt free
Here I am. Learning to smile again with the help of the ocean.
In the weeks after that situation, I worked on my mental health. Suddenly, one day, I felt like flying but not in the wanting to jump off a building way. I felt like all things were possible. Hope had returned to me! That’s when I realized a couple of things about being human.
- People can break.
- Hope is strong but fragile
- One can not live without hope.
Learning about these three new truths was like breathing new air. With each passing day my hope grew stronger and I slowly began to smile again. I cracked jokes. Pain, the pain that nearly lead me toward oblivion, lessened.
That lead me to …
Say yes to more things
When you are asking permission, the word yes is foreign. Yes is scary. Yes leads to rocking the boat that you are so scared will overturn with the change of the wind.
But then you start saying yes to people and experiences. The world looks different and you remember who you were before all this started.
All of a sudden, good things start to happen. You become less afraid. You look forward to things you use to look forward to. Life comes back and it’s beautiful.
I LOVE teaching and I met some incredible students
The work blossoms
Your work becomes that. YOUR. WORK. And you run the direction of it. You start living the writing life you always wanted and knew that was possible.
And the universe conspires to help you out.
And things start to happen.
And the universe tells you to trust.
And so you do and unexpected things happen filled with love and support.
The future is brighter because it exists
There’s so much to look forward to. I even made plans.
But you know and appreciate that those plans come with some hard lessons learned.
I love my life. I couldn’t say that seven months ago. It’s been a hard-earned journey and that email was just a reminder of the woman and writer I am now.
Grateful and happy,