I’ve thought about what I’d write in this blog post for several days. I was hesitant to write it. I didn’t want to come off as insincere and trendy.
Heaven forbid that a blogger and podcaster do something trendy!
I didn’t want to be #thankful or #grateful.
But I am. All those hashtags. See, before being thankful, this was me:
- Four and a half years ago I almost took my life.
- I hated everything about myself.
- I worked in a location and in a career that cared not about my mental health.
- I moved home where I swore I’d never return.
- I was penniless.
- I didn’t have any fight left in me.
- I begged God to take my life because I couldn’t do it on my own.
The year of my attempt I was so lost. This was from my essay, “Confession of a Surviving Liar”, published in Dear Hope in November 2016.
So, if I have anything to be grateful for it’s my suicide attempt. It changed everything. It forced me to change everything. I had no choice.
- And I returned to my childhood home. Ended up being not so bad.
- I entered a career that I was going into anyway at the time of my attempt and it was the exact right decision.
- With the love of my family, I gained strength.
- My fight returned. I fight for myself and others who cannot.
- I learned to put up boundaries. I learned where my “line” is and I’m constantly working to protect and re-establish those lines.
- I work at the BEST place in the state. It’s literally documented as such. And I work with some AMAZING souls. I feel at home.
- I can speak about my struggles as a way to destigmieze mental health issues. I became an advocate.
- I have a platform — this site and the podcast — to speak about these issues. And I have found other advocates and together our voice is mighty.
- I am closer to my family and everyday we are healing our pasts. Together.
- I’ve gained some amazing friends so accept me. All of me. And ditto.
- I returned to writing in a BIG way! My writing is advocacy, it’s justice, it’s mine. Finally.
- And I live. I live. I live.
Sometimes, you have to be grateful for the hardships as much as the wins. It’s only through that balance that we can grow and truly know ourselves.Tweet
So, yes, I’m grateful for my attempt because I lost what needed to go and I gained an entire new life. And I love each moment of it.
Happy (belated) Thanksgiving!