Latina and depressed

Today, I felt depressed. Like eating chocolate ice cream, watching Love Story on repeat depressed. Mostly because I missed my friends and family terribly.

But apparently, I’m suppose to feel that way, according to some quick Google research I did.

If you are Latina, your chances of being depressed are increased. Most especially if you’re educated, acculturated and U.S. born. Don’t believe me? Check out these stats from
NAMI Multicultural & International Outreach Center in Arlington, VA:

  • Latinos are identified as a high-risk group for depression, anxiety, and substance
    abuse.1
  • Deborah Duran established correlation between acculturation and depression (Duran,
    1995)
  • Prevalence of depression is higher in Latino women (46%) than Latino men
    (19.6%).
  • The Common Wealth Fund Survey revealed that surveyed Latino and Asian
    American girls exhibited more depressive symptoms than the African American or
    white girls.
  • Among female high-school students in 1997, the rate of attempted suicide among
    Latino girls (14.9%) was one-and-a-half times that of African American (9.0%)
    and non-Hispanic white (10.3%) girls.
  • Close to one out of every three Latino female (30.3%) high-school students in
    1997 had seriously considered committing suicide.
  • There are higher rates of mental illness among U.S. born and long-term residents than
    among recent Latino immigrants.
  • Place of birth has a significant correlation with the subsequent risk for most
    psychiatric disorders.

A lot of these facts make so much sense to me. I’m not ashamed to say it but there was a time in my life where I did contemplate suicide. Most people would consider that an uber personal detail and not something that’s meant to be in a blog for the world to see. But I’m not trying to hide it at all. I tell everyone about that, most especially people who are saddened for some reason.

It was after my dad died and I moved to Corpus Christi. Looking back now, it might not have been the right time to move. He died in October. I left in March. I dealt with the loss of not only my father but also of my way of life.

I wanted to kill myself. The pain was too much to bare. I wanted to drive into the ocean to be with my dad.

But I’m alive because I’m Latina. True to form, as is true with most of us, I worried about others before me. How my mother would continue living burying a husband and a daughter in the same year. That kept me alive. That and the power of prayer.

Bottomline: Sucks to Latina sometimes. Granted that we are awesome and wonderful beings. We come in all shades and cultures, we’re stronger than we give our own selves credit for, and we’re powerful writers, bloggers, executives, etc. But sometimes, just sometimes, it’s all just too much.

And now I have an inkling about why.

What’s making me smile today

I tell people that I use to be a teacher. It’s one of those facts that makes people say “Really?”

Yup. For 2.5 seconds, I was in charge of the education of a group of 4th graders.

I also tried out for Rent, the musical during my sophomore year in college.

Those things, the odd ball things that you wouldn’t expect out of my mouth, make me joyous.

And if you didn’t know me, just saw me on the street, you would be in awe when I said. “I’m a writer who has published things for six years straight but that no one knows.”

Oddly, that’s making me smile today. Probably because I’m in a weird mood or because I enjoy hearing the clicked of the computer keys when I write.

I haven ‘t decided.

The things I’ve seen and wanna see

Things I’ve seen

I gotta give myself kudos. Yesterday was a physically painful day. Between the pain and the nausea, there was enough time at the end of the day to actually run an errand. Although I was walking about as slow as my grandma, I was able to get some much needed food shopping done.

On my way back from the store I saw a bunny in some one’s front lawn. I live in the city so this was quite out of place.

And as I was starting to drive away it got closer. Quite a ham, don’t cha think?

Just go to show, the most unexpected things happen while you’re worrying about other things.

What I wanna see

OMG, I wanna see this movie.

And did you recognize a certain song bird married to Nick Cannon?

This story line is based on a book called Push by Sapphire. I’ve never heard of this book but after seeing the trailer for the movie, this novel has earned a place on my summer reading list and quite possibly on my reading list for grad school. We’ll see.

And talking about my summer reading list, I’m still putting it together. My plan is to have a very enriching summer experience through novels. So I’m looking through lists from several sources and getting recommendations. I should have a list complied pretty soon, and I’ll post it when its ready.

Talking about summer…

This is my summer of change! I can feel it. Soon, I won’t have any pain and I’ll be able to enjoy several things I have planned, including my summer reading list, my book club, a trip to Dallas to see my Kansas friends, a trip to San Antonio, Phantom of the Opera and an NKOTB concert where I’ll be hanging out with my best friend from middle school. I haven’t seen her in YEARS!

Okay, so I’m a nerd. What else is new?

Feedback please!

So you remember when I said I was writing this short story about two women killing someone?

Well I’m done with the first part and I need some feedback. Now’s your chance to be an editor. Yay!

Here it is:

Part 1: Vodka is the only thing that gets out the hurt

I never knew what my husband ever saw in her. Yeah, sure his mistress was abundantly gifted in the womanly areas but she couldn’t add two plus two even if she had help from Alan Greenspan. But to her credit, Monica looked like she was trying to get what I was saying with her manicured powdered pink nails scratching at her temples and an inquisitive twitch of her right eye brow.
“Now, how is it again?”
Her sugary voice dripped with innocence and for once I seconded guessed my choice in accomplice. Monica took a sip of Chardonnay as I looked for another way to explain what I had planned.
“It’s a means to an end. I mean, you must have noticed a drastic drop in attention?”
As it were, today was the day I chose for wife and mistress to join forces against the man who double crossed us both, a man whose thirst for the ladies is only exceeded by his hunger for expensive foods and wines, my husband Jim. So deep was Jim’s lady thirst that he recently added a second mistress, young and spunky Amber, to his regular line up. Amber is Monica five years ago, only seconds older than the most recent newborn and with looks that were more model than bimbo. Ah, but the difference between Monica and Amber is that the new kid on the block is a sharp as cheddar. For her Jim the banker is really Jim Mr. Easy Street lover.
And if that wasn’t the rub, Amber has already extorted more money in her shopping sprees than Monica did her first year. At this rate, I figured that either Amber would shop me out of house and home or Jim would be stupid enough to marry her.
Obviously, something needed to be done.
After a brief conversation with Moncia, I asked her to meet me at the Bon Temps bar, a place I was sure no one would know us. My choice was almost on the nose with what I’d thought Shreveport’s shadiest establishment would be. The bar was a joint that has lost its old world luster but was battling for a comeback. Restored wood beams and accents, tiles arranged in eccentric geographic designs, and enough light pouring through unwashed windows, it would make a bat blinder that folklore gives it credit. Adding to the atmosphere was well-stocked bar and a waitress smart enough to not talk to the patrons.
“Monica,” I started slowly. “I know that there have been some rough patches between us in the past with you dating my husband and all, but I think we need each other now more than ever.”
Her baby blues batted at me and I wondered if anyone was home. I kept going.
“You see, there is a reason that Jim hasn’t been coming around as much.”
“I know. He’s in charge of a big account at the bank that’s taking all his time.”
I grinned. Jim has done a good job training her, I’ll give him that.
“Is that what he told you, Monica? I’m afraid he’s been lying.”
Reaching for my purse, I pull out the secret weapon, the manila envelope from the private detective I hired. Jim was acting fisher than usual and I needed to know why. Heck, you don’t get to be the head of the harem without some intel.
I opened the envelope and slid the pics toward Monica. Putting down her drink, she flipped through them one by one with her brow wrinkling more and more with each one. And then, she gasped. She was looking at the money shot, Jim in bed with Amber.
“That loser!”
Monica threw the pictures on the bar, cradled her face in her hands, and began to sob. A good Christian woman would have comforted her, put an arm around her shoulders and given her a hug. But I stopped being a good Christian a long time ago. Her heartbreak gave me only an ounce of joy. For all the times Jim would come home late smelling of her perfume, I cried a river. After awhile the tears dried up and I realized it was either love him for him or leave him. By then I had invested too much emotionally to call it a draw. I had also become accustomed to being a banker’s wife. In the end I guess I traded my happiness for a lucrative dysfunctional marriage. Don’t judge me, I don’t regret my choice.
I motioned for the cigarette smoking waitress.
“Yeah?”
“Two double shots of Grey Goose.”
As she poured, Monica lifted her head and looked at me, midnight mascara running down her cheeks.
“How could he have done this?”
“Yeah, yeah. We can go down the long line of questions I’ve asked myself for years—I thought we were happy, I’ve given him the best years of my life, blah, blah.”
The waitress slid the shots toward us. I dug in my purse for a fifty and handed it to her.
“Keep them coming.”
She winked and disappeared. Taking one of the glasses, I handed one to Monica but she shook her head.
“Vodka goes straight to my head.”
“Vodka is the only thing that gets the hurt out,” I said taking the shot myself. “Listen, Monica. We can sit here and drink and damn Jim for what he did to us or we can…make justice.”
I took the second shot and motioned the waitress again. Like before she filled the glasses and disappeared.
“What do you mean?” Monica’s heart was on her sleeve and I liked it. I knew that I could trust her with this.
“I mean if it isn’t Amber, it’ll be someone else. Anyone else, except us. Men like Jim are in love with the newest and shiniest toy they can find. And let’s face it sister, we lost our shine a long time ago.”
“But he said he loved me!”
“But he’s married to me and he tells me he loves me every day. Do you think someone who loves you fucks around?”
“No?”
“No.”
Monica stared at the pictures, her shoulders slumped and her lustrous blonde hair was now dull.
“Listen, honey. If you want to break up with him that’s fine but let’s face it, I’m in a much better position.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I’m his wife. I can divorce him and a judge will give me half, maybe more, of his money. You, well, you’re just the first mistress, the one he’s about to discard. Do you think that if we divorce, he’s coming to you? No. He has a new toy to play with,” I said pointing at the picture.
“That louse! I’ll be left with nothing!”
“Yes! That louse will leave you out in the cold. No more apartment. Clothes. Trips to the beach. It’s so sad really. All that time with him and his bad sex.”
“Oh it’s awful.”
“I know!” I laughed. “Too bad that…oh, never mind.”
“What?”
Monica’s eyes widened with wonder. A smirk crawled across my lips.
“Well, I was thinking that after all this time, it’s like we’ve both put in time and energy and it just kills me, KILLS ME, that you would be left behind.”
“Go on.”
“Well, what if we came to some sort of…arrangement.” I handed Monica a shot glass. “An arrangement that could be very lucrative for both of us. One that would solve all our problems.”
“Killing Amber?” Monica’s eyes were wild and her body tense.
“Not exactly but I like where your head’s at, Monica.”
“If not Amber then who?”
I raised my eyesbrows and my smirk grow into a grin. Monica, dear sparkly and slow Monica caught my hint and a smile grew on her face too. With her free hand she wiped the mascara off her cheeks and raised her glass. I copied and we toasted.
“To making justice,” she said.
“To making justice!”
It’s like I said, Vodka is the only thing that gets the hurt out.

A sick perspective


Today I worked from home and thank goodness. The rest did me well and hopefully I’ll be able to be at work tomorrow.

In between working on an assignment and taking meds, I did a quick calculation. I’ve been sick since the beginning of the year. Literally, since January I have been since.

First, my back gave out. Well, it was a back/ leg crap combo that happen while visiting family in Houston.

Then in February, days before my birthday, I had heart palpitations that felt like a stroke.

End of March and beginning April was the kidney stone debacle of 2009.

And now in May, I’m still dealing with them.

Although this piece of realization was depressing. It’s still not as depressing as learning that a high school friend is going through chemo at the same time I’m working from home.

I’m selfish. I’ve been sick yes but he is going through his third round of chemo and dealing with the after effects of it which is nothing like what I’m experiencing.

It’s time to suck it up. I may have nausea, and pain in my side, but that’s not the worse thing in the world.

Oprah and James Frey, BFFs?

In a gesture that shocked me more than the actual event, Oprah apologized to James Frey.

You remember him. He wrote a piece of non-fiction called A Thousand Little Pieces about his supposed drug addiction. Oprah placed the book in her book club, the golden touch of books, and everyone read it. Was on the best seller’s list–every one’s best sellers list–for awhile.

And then the truth came out, literally because homeboy lied about some of the”facts” in his book.

I’m a Catholic and I’m kinda offended but I’m over it

Priests are not to knock boots with anyone.

Period.

This is how I know I’m Catholic. You know, other than the rosary beads, and the saints around my mother’s house.

And because when I heard about Father Albert Cutie’s (pronounced Coo, ti, eh) sin of the flesh, I was offended. Like mouth-dropping shocked.

Father Cutie was caught by a tabloid hugging on, lounging with, and courting a woman on Miami Beach last week. He says he’s fallen in love, by accident. It just happened.

What is this, the Thornbirds?

Priests take a vow of celibacy to be closer to God so they can be our spiritual guides. But they are human. And humans make mistakes.

But I can’t be mad at him. Shocked sure. But not mad. I wish he would have done things properly–he should have left the priesthood for someone he loved. He should have looked to God and asked Him for guidance toward this situation. Yes, priests should turn to God for guidance because, again, they are human.

If Father Alberto is in love, in true once in a lifetime love, I wish him the best. I’ll pray for him and for his lady love, that they find peace and direction during this turbulent time.

Love is a gift, not a right. There is no question that a gift like that comes from a higher power. Probably from the same power who would call someone to the priesthood. Or to become a nun for that matter.

Who knows if this is Father Alberto’s path or if this is a huge mistake. What I do know is that he is human and I am not his judge. What I am is his observer and a believer in the same faith he practices. And that faith teaches me about forgiveness and understanding.

Love Story, the movie, not the song

Recuperating from surgery has it’s ups and downs. For one, spending quality time with one’s DVD collection is an up. Getting bored with it … a down. Laying in bed all day is definitely an up. Laying in bed all day with pain, such a downer.

But one good up is the thinking about story and books. My favorite moment from my recouping time came from with the DVD extras of Love Story, the 1970 hit of boy meets girl, boy loses girl. You know, the one with the famous line “Love means never having to say your sorry.”

Yeah, that one.

Why buy the movie, you say? I’m a sucker for a tear jerker. I’m also a sucker. So that answers that.

Anywho, watching the DVD extra on the making of the film was educational. The biggest piece of education was from director Arthur Hiller.

He talked about editing the movie and starting off with the scene when the boy finds out he’s about the lose the girl.
But it didn’t feel right, he said. Sure that the audience would feel bad but they didn’t know the girl. And she was the story.

So he moved the pivotal scene toward the end. Just by moving it, he achieved an emotion to the story that wasn’t there. That meant that the audience has to fall in love with one of the characters to mourn their loss.

The pay off is this:

That final scene is enough to get the tissue out for me.

So how does that translate into writing. Well, when telling a story, it’s important to keep purpose and audience in mind. As writers we say something more than what we’re saying in a story but how often do we think of our novel or short story as a full experience?

It’s difficult to think of a story as a collective or as something that will no long belong to us once we’re done with it. Instead, our work is part of our souls, our children if you will, looking and longing for acceptance.

Hiller’s lesson in this is to think of audience, of readers and their experience with your piece. Afterall, it’s the reader’s time your wasting just writing whatever foolishness you want.

No. 29 and that’s ALRIGHT!

Twitterholic.com is an AWESOME website. My former editor, Alan English, turned me on to it for a story I wrote about Twitter.

I have to say that I heart Twitter. I’ve gotten additional readers to this blog and to Single, No Chaser. Readers that I probably wouldn’t have gotten.

Anywho, when I first started twittering seriously as Writin2insanity, I was ranked 52th in Shreveport. Now I’m ranked 29th. If that isn’t a VAST improvement, I don’t know what is.
I’ve also tracked my clicks to this blog with MyBlogLog.com. My readership has gone up.

So this is for all the new readers I’ve gained through social media. Thanks for stopping by. There’ll more cool stuff to read, I promise. As summer comes along and some author buddies have their books come out, I plan on inviting them on so that everyone will know how awesome my friends are.