Category Archives: Blog

I love you. Naked.

By Icess Fernandez Rojas

I can’t say it any plainer

You can’t hear it in my voice?

I wanna see you naked…

And you have no other choice.

This isn’t an agreement or a compromise.

Democracy doesn’t live here…

All that extra on your person,

Needs to disappear.

Let’s start with that pretension

In that awful shade of black.

It hides you from me…

So trust me, that’s not where it’s at.

That cocky attitude,

Like a moat around a castle

Drives me insane!

And ain’t nothing but a hassle

And while we’re at it

And since it’s just you and me

Here are some other things,

I wanna see around your knees

All barriers, man made or natural;

All coverings of imperfections;

All colors that hide the soul;

And all things that are distractions.

I want them gone. Destroyed.

Never to return.

And if I see them again,

Rest assured, they’ll be burned.

I want you naked of everything that impedes

The vast, doubting world of seeing…

Everything

That I see.

They need to see your heart,

Your humbleness and charity.

Your purity. Your soul.

Your childlike tendency.

The laugh. The eyes.

The smile.

All are worth …

walking for miles.

They need to know

How much you loving me

Makes us we.

And how perfect that is in it’s irony.

Let them see what I do every day.

Let the world see your beauty.

Let them be jealous, as I am,

Of how flawless you are truly.

You are perfect. And I’m in awe

Privileged, lucky, grateful.

Ecstatic. In love. And loved.

Euphoric. Intoxicated. Made whole.

I love you.

Naked.

The clock read 1 a.m. as I stood, shaking with rage, in the middle of my living room. After countless hours at work, I had just come home exhausted, overwhelmed and miserable. And in six hours, I’d have to be up and do it again.

My editor at the time kept me at the newsroom to fix a story. And after hours of trying to understand what she wanted and being unsuccessful, I walked out.

Now that might not have been the moment, but that was A moment that stands out in my mind that I thought things needed to change.

As you know I was accepted into grad school. I am officially an MFA candidate at Goddard College for creative writing in fiction. This decision, as longtime readers of my blog and my previous blog know, was a long time coming.

But before I explain that let me explain the journey.

This blog has been about my path toward finding myself, my voice, that I lost so long ago. Before my dad died when I was 24, I felt it slipping away. I wrote less. I partied more. I became a sorority girl for crying out loud! But my father’s death sent me back light years.

My dad was the protector of my voice. I know that now. He keep me grounded and admired my writing. When he died so did I. So I hid myself in journalism. And although I’m a decent reporter, it’s only a part of who I am and not entirely me.

But who was I? That’s where the journey began — age 30, in a state of limbo, unhappy and crying in the middle of my living room at 1a.m.

That path was to find myself, through writing and literature. Now at nearly 32, I’ve learned more about myself in the past two years than I have in the first 30. Grad school is a continuation of that search. And frankly, it’s a dream come true.

We all know that grad school doesn’t guarantee publishing but what it does give me is tools, confidence, a change to grow in my writing, and therefore learn more about myself.

So excuse me while I whoop and holler about this milestone. My life is about to change for the better. I’m about to do something no other Fernandez has done ever, and about to become the person I knew I could be…if I ever met her.

Now, this will eventually be a separate blog because it has to be but I did want to add this interesting tidbit. My NKOTB obsession…

Well, not obsession, just my super, hot, older friends that make me so happy I can melt.

During the groups first turn with fame, I was around 12. Ironically that was the last time everything was good, when I felt I had so much hope, and joy, and promise. They reunited when I was 30, the year this journey started.

They came together when I didn’t even know I needed them. And every day through a tweet, a bubbletweet, whatever, they make me smile. They make me feel like ANYTHING is possible and that there still is promise in the world. They make me feel 12 again, except I can afford to go to concerts now. Ha!

So New Kids on The Block are part of my journey. We’re doing this together–me and them. We are gonna find out about each other and we’re gonna make each other happy.

And now that I’m in grad school they’ll go with me— giving me confidence in myself and abilities to do well.

The path now, folks it a less traveled one but it’s important. This is gonna be fun and I can’t wait to see where this leads me.

Wish me luck.

I have five of these to give away. FIVE, people!

And here is the official whats:

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Hard Sell

AIRDATE: TUESDAY, JANUARY 19
Neal must infiltrate a company of corrupt Wall
Street brokers to preserve his deal with the FBI. When Peter is forced to go
undercover alongside him, a discovery is made that could change their
partnership forever.
Series Regulars: Matt Bomer, Tim DeKay, Tiffani
Thiessen, Willie Garson & Natalie Morales
Featuring: Sharif Atkins
Guest starring: Alexandra Daddario

Let’s face it, a con man is a jack of all trades. Just like Neal can steal a Picasso and replace it with a forgery, he can effortlessly sweet talk his way into being a broker. And this episode really shows the audience how versatile he truly is.

It also shows the audience how vulnerable and delicate he is as well. Without going into the back story detail, when Neal sees something that makes him doubt Peter, his trust is tested. The relationship between Peter and Neal is tested. And for a couple of minutes, the audience will wonder which way the ball will drop.

The answer happens in the final 15 minutes of the show. Neal will literally give Peter his breath.

Admittedly, there are lots of forks in the road in the episode, a lot of places where it could have gone wrong. But that’s the beauty of this show. From the first episode, there has been overwhelming growth in the show and in the characters. This plot earlier in the season would not have worked. It would have fizzled. Now was the perfect time to play with the themes in this episode: truth, loyalty, love, friendship

Somethings to keep a look out for:

Neal’s frustration coming to a head

A bromance getting stronger.

Sly Neal working it on the phone

Will he or won’t he escape

The answer to the cliffhanger…which comes with more questions.

Okay, I’ve said enough. Here are a couple of scenes from the season premier.

Didn’t know
By Icess Fernandez Rojas

If I knew that a smile from you would send me into a frenzy

I would stare at my enemy

And laugh

I would inspire beyond measure

The type of love that’s sought like a treasure

And open it with caution

Looking at you is like feeling brand new

And if I knew

I could feel this way

I would have stared at you all day.

Since the beginning, when the sun and moon first kissed

It would have been me and you, like this.

In a blissful rain…

In a swirl of a hurricane…

In a postcard perfect picture of truth.

Complete in our nakedness

Of unselfish preservation

Or reservations

Of how you move me to the better part of being.

You.

Are.

Air.

And breathing you is life.

If I knew I needed you this way–

Just this way—

The suffocation would have ended

With a knife

To cut away time,

Distance,

Insecure persistence…

If I had known this was what it was like

To be loved

Fully.

Unconditionally.

Unselfishly.

By you.

But I didn’t know.

“Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality”. ~Emily Dickinson

I met the beautiful Amy at the beginning of my insane year when we pledged the same sorority. The letters of the organization doesn’t matter but Amy, she mattered. She’s a tall 5’3″ in her heels, dark Repunzel hair, eyes like the truth and a smile that could be the poster child for happiness. Looking at Amy was like looking at love because every inch of her body, from hair root to toe nail, was about fun, laughter, and warmth.

She was the friend you always wished you had, the kind you made up when you were five years old.

In the following months, I got to know Amy not only as my line sister but as my friend. I learned that she was a woman of action and a woman of incredible strength though some may have called it stubbornness.

Eventually we both left our sorority days behind, her sooner than me, and we began to live our lives. I moved to Corpus Christi to begin my career and she lived in Houston helping her family with the business. Distance didn’t change the nature of our relationship. Phone calls helped bridge that gap. When an evil boy would break my heart, she was there telling me how much of a catch I was. When I was too timid or afraid, she would let me borrow her strength. When death came knocking at my door, she was there to help put me back together when my dad died.

Men came and went, life’s events happened, and career moves added psychical distance to our friendship but Amy was still in my life.

So when she opened her own business, a coffee shop in Sugarland, I was there to be proud of her. She’s a go-getter and I knew there wasn’t anything she couldn’t do.

When she met her husband through the coffee shop, I knew this was it for her. She was happier than I’d ever seen her. Joy emanated from her pores and I was happy to just be in the same room with her again.

But she was never as joyful was she was when she was pregnant with her son Levi. A blessing, I knew the baby would be the perfect expression of Amy–gleeful and full of love. Couldn’t wait to be an auntie.

Levi was born months pre-mature and he lived at the hospital. Brain swelling. Brain bleeding. Other terms that doctors use to desensitize themselves from life. Everything was wrong with him. My dear Amy had faith, though. Faith she always had in abundance.

But today I learned that faith ended. After much deliberation, Amy and her husband decided to let Levi go this Friday. That day there will be two deaths — baby Levi and lovely Amy.

I don’t know how this will change my friend whose radiance I still remember. I know how death has changed me and I never want anyone to experience that, especially not my friend and her husband. But this death isn’t a father, it a baby, a life that at once was attached to her. How does one begin to recover from such a blow?

I’ve never met Levi but I miss him already. I miss the fact that I won’t ever get to meet him and tell him the story about how his mother and I almost blew up a car. I had these stories about how his mother loved to hang out at Denny’s at 2 in the morning. I had these pictures to show him, the presents she gave me, the wisdom she instilled.

I had so much and now its empty. I’m empty. Hallow like the first time death brushed against my life and took one of my own.

And now it’s taken Levi. And my beautiful Amy will be forever changed.

Now here’s the irony. Amy and I met joining a sisterhood, and now we’re members of another sisterhood. The broken hearts club — mended but not fixed, patched up but still lame, complete but not whole.

Welcome sister. Oh how I’d hope you’d never join.

To donation money to the Levi Aiden Bergeron memorial fund click here.

Isabel Allende

Is this a way to write a book? Who am I to question Allende’s technique? But her approach is very interesting.

For me, I don’t do step by step planning but I do know how I want the story to flow, a bit about my characters, and some about their adventures. Sometimes, I’ll even know the ending, but not all the time.

But sometimes, it starts with the first sentence. As is outlined in the blog, she writes a really great first sentence and everything stems from there. This reminds of prompt writing or starters. It had been awhile since I’ve done one and always enjoyed them. I’ve always considered them, however, as a writers warm up, the stretch before the big race.

Then that comparison reminded me about a line I read today on Writerdigest.com — novelists are like marathon runners.

So does that mean writers have to train accordingly? Yes, we do. Absolutely.

For Allende, the starter or the super great first sentence is not only the warm up but the race. She keeps going until the race is won. She wins only because she has trained.

Although being a journalist has lots of perks, there is also a down fall I see. At the core, we are not trained to be long distance runners, we are the sprinters. We are 12 to 15 inches for daily work. That’s shrinking at most papers to 8-10 inches. The sprint is getting shorter.

What does a sprinter do to becoming a long distance runner? They train and learn how to pace themselves.

And it starts, like Allende knows, with the first sentence.

If you look at the back of paperback books or the back jacket of hard cover books, you’ll see a paragraph about the author–who they are, where they graduated from, and how their lives are just like yours.

My recent thought: What would mine say? How can you capture my insanity in one paragraph?

Yes, quite a difficult task indeed. So here’s my feeble attempt at my dust jacket cover. Hope the real one is much better than this.

Icess Fernandez Rojas lives in, well, she hasn’t decided yet but hopes its
near some good friends and some tropical weather. Oh and some place were she can
have good drinks, hear good music, and have fantastic attacks on her taste buds.
She has a degree from the University of Houston where she became a sorority girl
her last semester of college so that she could have the experience. She
also has an MFA from Goddard College, well, she HOPES to get one from Goddard.
She’s still waiting to hear.

Icess enjoys cafe con leche (coffee with milk, which she is probably having
right now), strong female characters, and shoe shopping. She’s absolutely
addicted to Donnie Wahlberg from New Kids on the Block but will claim she only
admires him. In reality, she wants easy access to him at all times to hug him
because, as she says, his hugs are like crack. To clarify, she’s not a crackhead
but compares her addiction to Donnie Wahlberg to a drug. Therefore, he
makes her happy, smile. giggle, sigh deeply, and gets her high on life. Yes,
friends she’s a writer even when describing herself.

Icess is also an over-tweeter and adores sharing all her thoughts to
perfect strangers she calls her “tweeple” but its all good because she hasn’t
been stalked yet. That is probably due to the fact that she’s a scary homegirl
from Houston and knows ways to defend herself that they don’t teach in a regular
self-defense classes. Probably because what she knows is illegal in 38
states plus Puerto Rico. However, she said she loves her tweeple, especially her
BH sisters, whatever that means.

At 30, our dear writer began a journey to discover who she really was. So
far she’s learned more in the past year about herself than she has in the past
30 years–some good, some bad but all her. She’s appreciative of the journey, it
has changed her for the better. We’ll see.

Icess, born in Boston USA, has less than five regrets in her life. Among
the one that’s haunting her now is not going into music when she was younger.
Singing longer than she’s been writing, her first song was New York, New
York. She’s sung all through high school and college, winning competitions and
medals along the way and even considered majoring in music in college. Icess
will try to be less regretful by competing in a certain singing competition.
Something called a Jordan Idol but it has to come to Texas.

Talking about Texas, Icess is a Texan even though she’s artsy and would
probably like New York, she’d rather be in the Lone Star State. However, she
likes to visit other places and only really needs an invite to go see other
places. Dream vacation: Europe. Mostly Spain to research her last name.

And talking about her last name: She’s part Cuban and Guatemalan. She ‘s
been to both countries. Adores them both. Yes, she speaks Spanish. Yes, she’s
Latina. Yes, she can dance, cook, clean like an old school Latina. Which
reminds her…why is she still single?

Overall Icess Fernandez Rojas is a dope chick with lots to offer as a
writer. She maybe a bit insane but it’s not like she didn’t warn you before. I
mean, look at the title of her blog.